Where Have I Been, And Where Have I Gone

Im Not myself anymore, I dont really know where or why it all started but it has,
People have noticed, and Today I Got Help From a source i didnt think i could, But enough on that for right now, I said ill Clarify a few things in my last Blog.
Straight Edge.
To be honest the reasons i stopped drinking i cant list them all,
Some are pretty personal or just hard to rationalise unless you are me personally
Before i knew what straight edge even was, I think i was 16 or 17, i went to a tattoo parlour
and asked what kind of tattoo's signified being Drug Free. I was seeing this girl at the time
Complete Stoner, So im there asking about this while she is boring the tears off me,
Telling me how stoned she was two days ago and how much hash she had the week before.
I felt Like Saying " Get A Fucking Clue ". but i didnt. Anyway, Since then I did try Marjuana, or whatever you wanna call it, only thing i got from it was the general buzz, i mean i could have been doing something completly different and felt the same all i got was the buzz of being with my mates. Alot of people close to me have started this stuff, and its brought them to really bad places, Its brought them to stand stills, its brought them new friends , Some People never Changed, But thats very few from my opinion. I had friends Who started this shit Completly Changed for the Worse, It really Was a Gateway to a bad place. this Is all coming from my personal experiance. So when people Brag To Me about This Shit and I have A Negative Attitude Towards it, To me its coming from shit thats effected me alot.
With regards other drugs, ive never touched them, apart from twice i believe i was spiked. and the one time im 98% sure i was ive distanced myself from the people i was with.
I despise all other drugs, But in a way i fear them for what i know they would do to me.
So when people brag about drugs, or Promote then or their usage, i do get personally offended, people Close to me have had problems, and ive lost friends over drugs, So when a person Chooses Friends Over A Stupid Substance, it really gets to me. even if its not me if its seeing the situation with other people it gets to me. Taking this shit is a risk and its selfish to those who care. These Are my Beliefs, People are entitled to their Own. this is something me and members of my own family dont agree on. so KILL YOUR LOCAL DEALER.
This is regarding Why i gave up drinking.
So People who know me well, will know how i used to be when i drank, Loud, Stupid, obnoxious,
I liked this and in ways its still there, But people knew me in this way and only this way, so if they thought that was me and the real me, no they are wrong, Stopped has made me separate two persona's i may have had, sounds weird to say but if you know me well you will understand what i mean. I also Feel responsible for creating certain monsters, those will also understand that.
to be honest with myself, i was never an abusive drunk physically, im fact, i could hold a conversation when nesscary, i didnt break things, except for myself. But i definitly think i had a problem, i didnt see any point in drinking unless it was to get ass faced drunk, never just out to have a few never saw the point, it was excess or nothing. a bottle of jager or a red bull, it was either or nothing in between, my habits of excess caught on to more people. it wasnt just me but i certainly encouraged it, i kept alot of bottles still in my room, trophies, im still proud i drank them, and even though i dont wanna drink again i keep them. I Set Certain dates of when i was stopping and never went by it, i used to give up to periods at a time to lower my tolerance. I spent tonnes of money, I ruined alot of things for myself. Stuff most people who drink have to deal with, but i realised it wasnt for me, and i didnt wanna stop but i did, so ill admit when i went on the kerry, trip , i drank in unhealthy ways in a purpose, well a few purposes,
1- to prove to myself i could
2-to make myself sick enough to want to stop

i succeded in both. I honestly think i should have went to a hospital, i mean Double ending, and Puking blood. not wanting to leave a room at all. yeah i was fucked, and the trip home and next few days were horrible. But i did it.
next thing Straight edge again
i chose this way, because i respect it, i really respect the straight edgers who are naturally hyper and happy people and can go out and enjoy themselves with out needing they above mentioned stuff, I also respect those who can go out and drink and get hammered, have a great time and everything is ok. In fact those people when i have money i will buy drink. and have done.
but also its taking a pledge or an oath, and i know people dont respect this aspect, but i took that oath to keep myself sober and clean, I have an excessive behaviour, if i started drugs, id be on the streets, in rehab, or dead and i know it. if i kept drinking the way i was id have gotten worse and it wouldnt have gotten me to bad places.
Im saying this not as preaching, but as a way to tell people why i chose it, not why they should or shouldnt, but why i personally did. because it has been Questioned. mabye i wont be able to keep it forever, but at least it will help for a while.
Ill explain about where i dont know what ive been soon
xSkx