Changes, Mistakes, Losses, Falls.

So people have been wondering whats up with me, its gotten to the point I cant hide shit anymore, its physically obvious just looking at me,I cant hide away, and I cant stay out around people, I cant win either way.

Shits got to a point where I honestly wonder if I will be here in 2 months time, at the moment I have nothing in a fixed place and nothing definite to ground me, just indefinites, questions and Paradoxes.
Its not a place I ever thought I would get to, because every time bad shit happened before I had my solutions and way of getting me through it, my bright lights if you will. this time they don't work, Ive tried and tried. in the last few months Ive been actually happy less times than I can count on one hand. shit has backfired on me alot of times before Ive pulled through and my close friends know when they had trouble I was always telling them to stick positive and find a way through, and some of my friends have been through some hard times. Now I'm the hypocrite who cant do it himself.I feel like I'm inflicting my miserable self on people, they don't tell me so but even at that, I hate not being myself,I hate not being able to have fun my own unique ways.
I Hate being negative.
I'm gonna just mention a few things Ive been going through not in great detail but just to show some light because people are asking me and shit, First of I'm not on drugs like a few people have thought and asked, I'm Still edge, somehow though maybe getting out of my mind would be a change lol(joke), Some People I really Care about more than anyone are in a bad way, and have alot of shit going on for them, Ive been a person to put others before myself alot this is me worried sick about them for one thing. I'm having some family trouble not the typical stuff people deal with, but stuff that's really eating at me. I got fucked over by old jobs, so finance wise Ive been fucked, that's one thing that's been sorted temporarily. Education I fucked Up and It Fucked Me over bad so many times, And at 21 now, with no qualifications and nothing to show for 2 + more years in college, Most of if was my own doing which I hate myself for but I thought I had dealt with it, it came back to haunt me. Shit I dealt with in school that not even my friends know about has come back on me, Shit I thought I had buried, (Whoa Ive said shit alot that should have been the title) Stuff that's been more of an effect on me than I thought. Ive lost alot of friends in the past which Ive mentioned before, that shits hit me because similar stuff is happening again Some important friends, some have already been distanced in a way, which i don't know how repairable it is, and more shit is happening with more that worries me..With music, me and the dudes I play with don't really know where we are at the moment, the 5 of us could and should accomplish so much more. No matter what happens I hope at Least they do. So with all this worry, and stress and being miserable, Ive been physically sick, couldn't eat for a long time, you all know I'm really skinny, yet I lost I was below 8 and a half. and look awful because of it. skin has gone to shit. other stuff too, my eating has gotten back on track, now what will possibly be my new problem, I'm obsessed with putting back on my weight and muscle and shit, I hate being skinny, and my body is a mental issue I have, I'm loading up on weight gain shakes, Drinking raw eggs, Creatine pills,Etc...... basically anything I can buy legally, for my size I'm probably doing an unhealthy amount of weights, I'm gonna get an assessment, its been a good distraction but I'm hoping it wont make shit worse. Just to reiterate something I Mentioned people who I'm worried about and stuff, One of them Was Possibly The Best thing to ever happen me, and I dont know whats happened or gonna happen, every time things look up in the slightest this comes back and gets me down, its really hard when the best thing you had is ruined and gets you down, it makes everything worse. I wish it could be salvaged, its alot harder for me,I cant even talk about It, its had me in very bad ways, so has other things,

I don't think I'm dealing with more than anyone else or anything, but one thing i have learned is people deal with things in different ways. I just got to the point where I cant deal with it anymore theres stuff I Haven't Mentioned and Stuff I wasn't Going into detail with.I don't like being negative. in fact in gonna throw some positive stuff in the end of this. If people read this awesome, I don't want sympathy, I just want People To Know me to know, if I'm not being myself and its weird, or I'm not coming out and doing shit, this is why, I hate being false, Its a trait I deplore. this ain't just some few week shit or anything, To Be honest It Started About 6 months or more ago, I just hid it well for a while. some things brightened my horizons, but now I don't even see the sun.Not everything but feeling like I am now started back then some other stuff has just been building up.As for stuff I haven't mentioned I Don't think its a place for an Internet Blog.

So Recently my distractions Have been reading firstly, i decided to start reading famous novels and move onto literature see whats its all about, recently Ive read, the Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, I'm reading Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde, I've read some other things too, i cant think of off the top of my head, there are many more on my list to read, my house if full of books id say thousands and what you see if you walk around is only a fraction, Watching nature documentaries calms me down, but upsets me when hearing about endangered animals and plants,I guess I really am I hippy/Earth baby what ever you wanna call me.Wrestling pretty brainless but its entertaining and fun to do as well there is plans of building an actual ring, some more injuries and broken bones and shit.(dunno if that's good or bad). Ive been listening to a weird mix of music lately, Alot of hardcore, Alot of Old Skool Death and Black metal, Ive tried out some real Screamo, not underoath and from first to last and stuff the real deal, its pretty intense, Ive been listening to classical and ambient too, ambient is something id wanna do in the future, I wanna get a synthesizer and alot of stuff some day.Ive also been listening to Shred metal and stuff like Jason Becker, marty Friedman, Micheal Angelo batio, and more Im trying to get myself more into my guitars again so i can get passionate enough to explore more. im getting an acoustic soon I think might be a good thing, if I end up going away, thats gonna get alot my my attention. but who knows. I dont.