Changes, Mistakes, Losses, Falls.

So people have been wondering whats up with me, its gotten to the point I cant hide shit anymore, its physically obvious just looking at me,I cant hide away, and I cant stay out around people, I cant win either way.

Shits got to a point where I honestly wonder if I will be here in 2 months time, at the moment I have nothing in a fixed place and nothing definite to ground me, just indefinites, questions and Paradoxes.
Its not a place I ever thought I would get to, because every time bad shit happened before I had my solutions and way of getting me through it, my bright lights if you will. this time they don't work, Ive tried and tried. in the last few months Ive been actually happy less times than I can count on one hand. shit has backfired on me alot of times before Ive pulled through and my close friends know when they had trouble I was always telling them to stick positive and find a way through, and some of my friends have been through some hard times. Now I'm the hypocrite who cant do it himself.I feel like I'm inflicting my miserable self on people, they don't tell me so but even at that, I hate not being myself,I hate not being able to have fun my own unique ways.
I Hate being negative.
I'm gonna just mention a few things Ive been going through not in great detail but just to show some light because people are asking me and shit, First of I'm not on drugs like a few people have thought and asked, I'm Still edge, somehow though maybe getting out of my mind would be a change lol(joke), Some People I really Care about more than anyone are in a bad way, and have alot of shit going on for them, Ive been a person to put others before myself alot this is me worried sick about them for one thing. I'm having some family trouble not the typical stuff people deal with, but stuff that's really eating at me. I got fucked over by old jobs, so finance wise Ive been fucked, that's one thing that's been sorted temporarily. Education I fucked Up and It Fucked Me over bad so many times, And at 21 now, with no qualifications and nothing to show for 2 + more years in college, Most of if was my own doing which I hate myself for but I thought I had dealt with it, it came back to haunt me. Shit I dealt with in school that not even my friends know about has come back on me, Shit I thought I had buried, (Whoa Ive said shit alot that should have been the title) Stuff that's been more of an effect on me than I thought. Ive lost alot of friends in the past which Ive mentioned before, that shits hit me because similar stuff is happening again Some important friends, some have already been distanced in a way, which i don't know how repairable it is, and more shit is happening with more that worries me..With music, me and the dudes I play with don't really know where we are at the moment, the 5 of us could and should accomplish so much more. No matter what happens I hope at Least they do. So with all this worry, and stress and being miserable, Ive been physically sick, couldn't eat for a long time, you all know I'm really skinny, yet I lost I was below 8 and a half. and look awful because of it. skin has gone to shit. other stuff too, my eating has gotten back on track, now what will possibly be my new problem, I'm obsessed with putting back on my weight and muscle and shit, I hate being skinny, and my body is a mental issue I have, I'm loading up on weight gain shakes, Drinking raw eggs, Creatine pills,Etc...... basically anything I can buy legally, for my size I'm probably doing an unhealthy amount of weights, I'm gonna get an assessment, its been a good distraction but I'm hoping it wont make shit worse. Just to reiterate something I Mentioned people who I'm worried about and stuff, One of them Was Possibly The Best thing to ever happen me, and I dont know whats happened or gonna happen, every time things look up in the slightest this comes back and gets me down, its really hard when the best thing you had is ruined and gets you down, it makes everything worse. I wish it could be salvaged, its alot harder for me,I cant even talk about It, its had me in very bad ways, so has other things,

I don't think I'm dealing with more than anyone else or anything, but one thing i have learned is people deal with things in different ways. I just got to the point where I cant deal with it anymore theres stuff I Haven't Mentioned and Stuff I wasn't Going into detail with.I don't like being negative. in fact in gonna throw some positive stuff in the end of this. If people read this awesome, I don't want sympathy, I just want People To Know me to know, if I'm not being myself and its weird, or I'm not coming out and doing shit, this is why, I hate being false, Its a trait I deplore. this ain't just some few week shit or anything, To Be honest It Started About 6 months or more ago, I just hid it well for a while. some things brightened my horizons, but now I don't even see the sun.Not everything but feeling like I am now started back then some other stuff has just been building up.As for stuff I haven't mentioned I Don't think its a place for an Internet Blog.

So Recently my distractions Have been reading firstly, i decided to start reading famous novels and move onto literature see whats its all about, recently Ive read, the Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, I'm reading Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde, I've read some other things too, i cant think of off the top of my head, there are many more on my list to read, my house if full of books id say thousands and what you see if you walk around is only a fraction, Watching nature documentaries calms me down, but upsets me when hearing about endangered animals and plants,I guess I really am I hippy/Earth baby what ever you wanna call me.Wrestling pretty brainless but its entertaining and fun to do as well there is plans of building an actual ring, some more injuries and broken bones and shit.(dunno if that's good or bad). Ive been listening to a weird mix of music lately, Alot of hardcore, Alot of Old Skool Death and Black metal, Ive tried out some real Screamo, not underoath and from first to last and stuff the real deal, its pretty intense, Ive been listening to classical and ambient too, ambient is something id wanna do in the future, I wanna get a synthesizer and alot of stuff some day.Ive also been listening to Shred metal and stuff like Jason Becker, marty Friedman, Micheal Angelo batio, and more Im trying to get myself more into my guitars again so i can get passionate enough to explore more. im getting an acoustic soon I think might be a good thing, if I end up going away, thats gonna get alot my my attention. but who knows. I dont.

Where Have I Been, And Where Have I Gone

Im Not myself anymore, I dont really know where or why it all started but it has,
People have noticed, and Today I Got Help From a source i didnt think i could, But enough on that for right now, I said ill Clarify a few things in my last Blog.
Straight Edge.
To be honest the reasons i stopped drinking i cant list them all,
Some are pretty personal or just hard to rationalise unless you are me personally
Before i knew what straight edge even was, I think i was 16 or 17, i went to a tattoo parlour
and asked what kind of tattoo's signified being Drug Free. I was seeing this girl at the time
Complete Stoner, So im there asking about this while she is boring the tears off me,
Telling me how stoned she was two days ago and how much hash she had the week before.
I felt Like Saying " Get A Fucking Clue ". but i didnt. Anyway, Since then I did try Marjuana, or whatever you wanna call it, only thing i got from it was the general buzz, i mean i could have been doing something completly different and felt the same all i got was the buzz of being with my mates. Alot of people close to me have started this stuff, and its brought them to really bad places, Its brought them to stand stills, its brought them new friends , Some People never Changed, But thats very few from my opinion. I had friends Who started this shit Completly Changed for the Worse, It really Was a Gateway to a bad place. this Is all coming from my personal experiance. So when people Brag To Me about This Shit and I have A Negative Attitude Towards it, To me its coming from shit thats effected me alot.
With regards other drugs, ive never touched them, apart from twice i believe i was spiked. and the one time im 98% sure i was ive distanced myself from the people i was with.
I despise all other drugs, But in a way i fear them for what i know they would do to me.
So when people brag about drugs, or Promote then or their usage, i do get personally offended, people Close to me have had problems, and ive lost friends over drugs, So when a person Chooses Friends Over A Stupid Substance, it really gets to me. even if its not me if its seeing the situation with other people it gets to me. Taking this shit is a risk and its selfish to those who care. These Are my Beliefs, People are entitled to their Own. this is something me and members of my own family dont agree on. so KILL YOUR LOCAL DEALER.
This is regarding Why i gave up drinking.
So People who know me well, will know how i used to be when i drank, Loud, Stupid, obnoxious,
I liked this and in ways its still there, But people knew me in this way and only this way, so if they thought that was me and the real me, no they are wrong, Stopped has made me separate two persona's i may have had, sounds weird to say but if you know me well you will understand what i mean. I also Feel responsible for creating certain monsters, those will also understand that.
to be honest with myself, i was never an abusive drunk physically, im fact, i could hold a conversation when nesscary, i didnt break things, except for myself. But i definitly think i had a problem, i didnt see any point in drinking unless it was to get ass faced drunk, never just out to have a few never saw the point, it was excess or nothing. a bottle of jager or a red bull, it was either or nothing in between, my habits of excess caught on to more people. it wasnt just me but i certainly encouraged it, i kept alot of bottles still in my room, trophies, im still proud i drank them, and even though i dont wanna drink again i keep them. I Set Certain dates of when i was stopping and never went by it, i used to give up to periods at a time to lower my tolerance. I spent tonnes of money, I ruined alot of things for myself. Stuff most people who drink have to deal with, but i realised it wasnt for me, and i didnt wanna stop but i did, so ill admit when i went on the kerry, trip , i drank in unhealthy ways in a purpose, well a few purposes,
1- to prove to myself i could
2-to make myself sick enough to want to stop

i succeded in both. I honestly think i should have went to a hospital, i mean Double ending, and Puking blood. not wanting to leave a room at all. yeah i was fucked, and the trip home and next few days were horrible. But i did it.
next thing Straight edge again
i chose this way, because i respect it, i really respect the straight edgers who are naturally hyper and happy people and can go out and enjoy themselves with out needing they above mentioned stuff, I also respect those who can go out and drink and get hammered, have a great time and everything is ok. In fact those people when i have money i will buy drink. and have done.
but also its taking a pledge or an oath, and i know people dont respect this aspect, but i took that oath to keep myself sober and clean, I have an excessive behaviour, if i started drugs, id be on the streets, in rehab, or dead and i know it. if i kept drinking the way i was id have gotten worse and it wouldnt have gotten me to bad places.
Im saying this not as preaching, but as a way to tell people why i chose it, not why they should or shouldnt, but why i personally did. because it has been Questioned. mabye i wont be able to keep it forever, but at least it will help for a while.
Ill explain about where i dont know what ive been soon
xSkx

Healing

So i basically havent used this in so long because i forgot the password and have been to into writing cryptic lyrics and shit, so much has happend since i last post, some really shit things and some amazing things, one big change ive made is I stopped Drinking, the reasons behind it will be in the next blog, i have nothing against drinking unless it harms the person who drinks or others around them, if my friends get shitfaced and have a good time its all good by me, i dont feel high and mighty over anyone else because i now call myself " Straight Edge " but some people seem to really back this decision ive made others dont, but it means something to me but something different to the other people i know who have also made the same choice. So as to my " To-Possibly-Do list its out the window in a sense, but i have stuck to certain aspects of it. Im getting fit again and flexible too, Ive gotten back into wrestling in a big way some might say childish, but im childish deal with it. As to music, im starting to play guitar properly again, somehow even after barley playing for months when i got my amp back it all started coming back to me , i can remember the first riffs and some of the most complicated riffs i knew back when i was a kid and can play them better, it feels good nostalgia is awesome but its a weakness, again thats for another chapter. With regards to bands , my vocals are back on form still shit but mabye ill be good someday, my band is finally on the right track to get going and hopefully there will be another addition to that soon. The 2 dudes in my band Ben and dave the guys i started it with basically are ridiculously talented and new drummer shero im pretty sure we havent even seen his best yet, this band has been going a long time but weve had so many set back i think our time is coming. another huge thing thats happend recently is i got a girlfriend, those who know me will think WTF Sk is the dude who never bothers with girlfriends, this time i found the right one, im crazy about her, ill say no more just yet. I havent had any stupid injuries in a while, i did break jays hand kinda lol, so he has to break someone elses to complete a cycle richie started with me. Summer was Ok this some amazing shit happend other things were just shit. so much fighting and backstabbing bullshit, i wish never happend, but I didnt come off to bad, where as others did, This was just a recap Post, next blogs i get weird and Cryptic
Peace
xSkx

Cast Is Off

No More Punching Walls , Not That I did it much anyway. but yeah my hand is kinda fucked up now but anyways. Ive been sticking to some aspects of my To-Possibly-Do-List and i might even add to it . My New Obsession is Buying Cd's. Literally i see Cd's, even ones i have downloaded before or heard before i just wanna buy them , i used to download lots of music but i very rarly do nowadays. I'm like a music nerd, i love reading the sleeves, see who the bands thank, endorsements, where they recorded , who did guest appearances. love this stuff i reckon in the last month Ive bought 15 albums maybe , that's a guess it could be more, Bring me To my Most Recent Purchase, Divine Heresy's Album, OK total smell of fear factory off it but i like it, Dino pioneered that guitar style so he has ever right to keep using it. it reminds me of when i first heard factory as a kid, maybe 9 or 10 , my brother just being all like listen to this, all i remember was a really stoppy starts heavy stuff, weird noises in the back ground and really weird drums, But i thought it was awesome , it was the Demanufacture album i think when it first came out , but just listen to divine heresy's first release brought all that back i was thinking , i was a kid and i was listening to stuff like this at 9 years old or so(cant remember my exact age)then while hanging out with my bro Saturday night he reminded me about how i used to get him in trouble for reciting songs word for word when i was only after learning to speak, Stuff like Guns and roses , slayer , and of course i would learn to Sing Killing In the Name By Rage Against the machine when it first came out in front of relatives. i didn't know at the time , i only found out some of this recently only songs i can remember knows the words to were Battery by metallica and Fucking Hostile by pantera(funnily enough we played this for migs birthday i forgot the words) but, when i think about it a tiny kid know songs like this, being able to name bands he liked listening to, Pretty Fucking Awesome.

How My Days Are A Suckfest

So like it was a few months back im outta work again , only difference is , its entirely my fault.
yeah sure accidents happen , punching walls aint an accident, nothing good comes from it, not even the mark i left on the way, it didnt calm me down , nostalgia calmed me down in the end think back when i was younger and didnt know much, and way im rambling, Xbox live has become a savior in someways and a drainer in others, i can talk to some of my friends who cant or wont always come out and do shit, be its a hindrance in the sense i only play late at night, because to talk i only can play late at night, but this results in the next day, i miss most of it and at times i say to myself ive got nothing better to do, but i really have got tonnes of better thing i could do then spend the day in bed, worst thing was the day it all happend i was feeling great, planning on goin back to the gym , fuck after getting the all clear on my old injury i went home and started doing weights, i dunno for me and lots of other people its pretty theraputic i think , i used to love a late night work out then wake up do some more weights, i didnt get big or anything just felt better, but now im doin it one handed and half assed one handed. also this sleeping in is fucking up my diet, im gonna have to get my shit together. so idecided to make my own variation on a To-Do list , Its the To-Possibly-Do list here it goes
To-Possibly-Do-List
1- Get Healthier (easy enough ive started)
2-Make Other Arrangements with Regards my job.
3-Find A Way Of Doing More Regular Vocal Practice( im sucking harded than ever)
4-Get Fit Again.
5-Become Less Self Centered
6-Sort Out Some Sort Of Sleeping Pattern
7-Less Fucking Internet, ive realised i dont need it theres certain ties to it but there superficial,not all is bad actually quite the opposite but its just unnessacary for me.
8-Sort Out Some Priorities(more on this at a later date)

First

Yo so im gonna say before i really start posting , this blog will be full of cryptic stuff, positive stuff , negative stuff, but all honest stuff. if you feel you aint gonna be into it dont read simple as that.
Peace